Gut Response

I can’t even turn on the television at all anymore without a visceral response of nausea. It always involves the constant beating down of someone strong or building up of someone weak. It’s basically an exhibition in nonsense. It’s maddening. At this point I have no sense of ego because of all of the repeated beatings in my own life. I was bullied by other women all through school. I kept to myself and endured the occasional hallway fight where I inevitably got 3 days off, a nice break from my work week or athletics schedule. Everyone always hated me so I started to hate myself. In college I was always jogging to get away from everything. I lived in a dorm that didn’t have a meal plan, as to avoid interactions with other people as they always ended up being painful…usually like a loss in brain cells but sometimes a long blunt emotional degradation. Like you obtain some sense of belonging for a brief second, in something people refer to as friendship, then there is the slash to break you down and send you even lower than you’d ever been before. Jobs generally result in some sort of caste system and leering men. The leering leads to stabs from women breaking down the physical appearance, conjecturing with colleagues about assumed plastic surgery, commenting on attire, and even researching my online presence…which always leads to awkward interactions at work and more difficulty in establishing domicile. Dating life between abusive relationships involves stalkers or people who want an ego boost at my expense. So I am just sitting here right now totally emotionless and I realize that I’m beyond humble at this point. I have no ego. I’m just completely numb, devoid of any substances or mind-altering pharmaceuticals. I figure that there is no point…at this point. If I drink I’ll feel crazier for a while then low to a point that’s unmanageable. If I present myself this way in public I feel guilty for subjecting others to the awkwardness of my mental state if I do anything as bold as talk. There is nothing that comes out of my mouth that doesn’t warrant an immediate grimace with a step back. Ohhh…she’s strange. I’m gonna go over here and drink like an asshole and find someone who’s ugly as fuck to discuss how strange she is, and possibly whether we should try to trap her into a sex crime, or whatever “normal people” do after popping their daily dose of gut microbe destroying synthetic serotonin that the government provides to those smart enough to chill under radar. Is that what I need?